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This is NOT your parents' old station wagon (yes it is)

"That is NOT a station wagon!  Repeat!  That is NOT a station wagon!"

-Some poor Oured PD officer that was given the job of trying to run down one of these vehicles after it was stolen by a large group of hobo midget strippers.

The M-UND3R-9000 Mini-FART was seen as a smaller, cheaper alternative to its larger cousin.  It's named the "Patty Wagon" after the vehicle's tightwad designer, whom this vehicle served a direct role in killing.


After the catastrophic failure overwhelming success of the M-0V3R-9000 "Blunder-Bus" F.A.R.T. the Osean DMTA (Department of Making Things Asplode) announced a new requirement for a smaller, more compact Fighting Armored Recreational Transport with a capacity for eight fully-loaded troops or sixteen midgets due to the problem of cost regarding the original design.  Unfortunately, the suicide of General Irwin D'Iot and the damage caused during the original's test further alienated any potential manufacturers.  Well, turns out there was one person willing to work for them: Patrick Goldbloom Esquire VIII, a penny-pinching banker from somewhere in Erustyia.  He demanded a hefty price tag, but he was the only choice the Oseans had.  Well, turns out he owned a few Station Wagon dealers, and so took these piece of s*** vehicles and began modifying them with armor and guns, producing a vehicle that only cost him a hundred zollars to make but he could sell for a thousand times as much a piece, making the already-filthy rich man even richer.  Within a week, the prototype was ready.

"Patty Wagon"[]

When the prototype arrived on-base, it became clear that not only did nobody want to build for the Osean military, but nobody wanted to TEST for them either...well...nobody except for the SAME Frat Boys that tested the Blunder-Bus.  Reluctantly, the Osean Military hired the Fraternity again in return for a case of beer from the late General D'Iot's private stash.  The test, just like before consisted of a race, this time against an M60 Main Battle Tank, and as before the Mini-FART outsped its competitor, but yet again, disaster struck.  The Fraternity had a DIFFERENT driver this time, one from the Union of Shirubā.  When the race went into the city, he grinned, tied a hachimaki onto his head and gleefully shotted "Banzai!" as he ran over Patrick Goldbloom Esquire VIII while he was crossing the street, turning the multi-billionaire into a fine red mist.  The catch: the check for his payment for the Mini-FART was in his pocket and survived the crash.  The check was found by a hobo midget stripper named Mandrake Fortinbras fifteen years later in a dumpster, who used the money to buy out Macintyre Appliance Co and formed a paramilitary faction that plagued the world for decades to come.

This incident gave the vehicle its name: Patty Wagon.


Little can be said about the vehicle in military service, other than once, one was stolen by a large group of hobo midget strippers, who then led the Osean PD on a long, low-speed chase through downtown Oured, first using the weapons on the Mini-FART, then throwing their clothing out the windows to try and stop the cops, and when THAT didn't work, they resorted to throwing EACH OTHER at the police, until only one remained in the vehicle, but as he was too short to see over the dashboard he promptly crashed into a Dairy Queen, then desperately streaked to his freedom.  The midget's name: Mandrake Fortinbras!

Armament and Stats[]

Top Speed: 150 mph (WTF!?)

MPG: 20 mpg, more if you push it to its top speed before starting the engine

Capacity: 1 Driver, 1 Guy Riding Shotgun, 1 Gunner and 8 Troops.  Alternatively, it can carry 22 Midgets.


1 x 5 cm rifled gun

2 x .50 caliber Machine Guns